Rather shocked and upset

We are thinking about moving house as I work a long way away from home and I'm getting pissed off with travelling so much.

The son (he's 17) sort of knew we were thinking of it, we have always made it clear that we won't be here forever, and we won't go until he finishes his A levels as we wouldn't want disrupt his education or sepereate him from his mates. Anyhow, the missus took him out shoping (he's a fashion victim) and he opened up. No he does not want to move house with us and wishes we had never mentioned it. He told her that he hates my lot and if we move anywhere within 50 miles of them, no he is going to stay put. His mate also 17 (just) lives with foster parents who have made it very clear that they can't wait to see him bugger off, and when he is 18 the Council will arrange a flat for him until he's 21. Mate has asked our son to go live with him as he doesn't want to be on his own.

Son has told him yes.

This was all new news to me. Now I don't do emo but this has rocked me and I don't know what to think/do. Does he hate me too?? What the hell have I done? We have outr ups and downs just like any family but I didn't see this coming. He won't talk to me about it, just flys off the handle and slams the door.

What to do?

 

I'd say give him some time to think things through for himself. Pretty natural to lash out at an upheaval like that. We fear change!

 

Sounds like there's some good old fashioned teen angst and hormones involved here, I've had my ups and downs with my oldest lad - which involved him not talking to me for 9 months and I didn't enjoy it. You can't force him to talk about it, he'll just push back and it'll cement the cracks in the relationship in place for a long time to come. Perhaps the best way to move forward with the situation is to get your Wife to broker a peace conference and for her to run it so neither of you lose your tempers, don't forget you'll be on trial.

If your Son really dislikes your side of the family, think long and hard why, I sincerely hope nothing untoward has happened to make him think that way.

 

I suspect that the clue is in that ^ statement mate.

Hormones change how we think, and no matter how well he has been brought up, most becomes self absorbed arrogant & reckless.

Best advice I can muster; Don't let this period of his development create any long term rifts.
Let him know you love him, will always be there for him, but don't try to persuade him to think differently.: You'll probably just be wasting your breath & creating resentment that may linger.

 

I'd agree with the previous comment.

I saw a study on the brains development and when a kid goes through adolescence the whole brain is completely overheating with activity. It just means that teens as we all know aren't in the best position to make decisions because they are all over the place, I know I was. It's a shame we are all expected to make big decisions during this period.

I guess the good news is that it will and does pass, so it's more about navigating through and weathering the storm. My only personal advice would not be to go to war and take it head on. If he's anything like I was it will just fuel the fire and cause a bigger issue. Stay close to the issue and try and treat him like an adult, with any luck he'll come around.

 

I have no experience with this sort of thing but let him crack on and live with his mate! He'll either come back with his tail between his legs wanting mummy and daddy to do stuff for him, or do well and grow up fast. Could be the making of him.

 

Move, it is that simple!! If he doesn't want to come, so what? Your not joined at the hip?!

Make him aware that he's always got a room with you, then let him go.

I do honestly feel that as a parent my/our job is to raise them and let them go, if they don't go, then you've got a problem.

You can't live your life for them, that's my thoughts anyway.

Steffydog.

 

I have no experience with this sort of thing but let him crack on and live with his mate! He'll either come back with his tail between his legs wanting mummy and daddy to do stuff for him, or do well and grow up fast. Could be the making of him.

Tony b

 

Hi I'm the OP. I feel hurt by it but when I stop to think about it, it's got to be his decision. And maybe my hurt is because he didn't tell me first. You're all correct I think - I can't make him live with us and if he doesn't like it, he'll have a choice to make.

 

Makes my blood boil. Some of the responses are careless and ill-advised. I'll just say I hope he bucks the trend and sorts his shit out, rather than becoming part of the problem. Good luck.

 

The op asked for opinions. They were given. Don't like? Don't read.

 

This

Red

X

 

I actually went through a very similar situation a few years ago... Well almost 8 years now ^ but being on the other side of it.
Coincidently was also 17 when I decided to move out, now I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with your son but me and my old man would be fine one minute and then argue about something pointless the next.
I only later realised that for some reason if we spent too much time together we would argue i.e. If I decided to stay home and not go out on a weekend or something like that then without fail we would argue.
As I got older it got more and more annoying and I didn't want to deal with it anymore so I told them I was going to move out, now am not going to lie, it started off as a scare tactic but despite my mum being against it he didn't say anything and I was too proud or stubborn to back down.
So I moved out, at first it was great I did what I wanted when I wanted but then reality kicked in and realised how much work it takes to do things that used to just magically get done like washing, cleaning, cooking etc
Because I didn't want to run back with my tail between my legs it forced me to grow up and mature, to be honest am glad It happened I became very independent and learned what hard work is as I had to support myself while still studying.
I'm almost 25 now and since moving out I get on great with the old man and am happy so I would say let him go it might be just what he needs... All things considered I didn't turn out too bad

 

I joined the military at 16, went back home for weekends and leave, but that was it, had my own gaff (rented) at 19. Those weekends and leave periods were interminable with my dad.
Teens are incredibly self centred and when frustrated will lash out and say incredibly hurtful things. I know I have two daughters (16 & 13).
You may have reached that stage, when he turns 18 cut those apron strings, and let him strike out on his own, it will make a man of him and he will have to grow up PDQ. Good luck with what is an incredibly difficult time for parents and self involved offspring.

 

I went through this with my youngest stepson....everything was a fight...we moved when he was 15 or so, and we just dealt with it....wasn't always easy, wasn't always hard...not supposed to be, I suppose....but he's matured....I'm not ashamed to ask him for advice.
It'll take a few years.

D.

 

As parents I don't think we ever stop worrying about our kids. What concerns us tends to just change with each stage in their lives. Heaven help us the day we stop giving a flying f about them.

My 13 year old asked me the other day about learning to drive :yikes: whilst MrsW is anxious about our 9 year old who heads off tomorrow on school camp for a week.

No doubt in the next few years I'll have new sources of anxiety and dare I say joy.

To the OP: good luck mate and u hope everything works out for the best.

 

Thank you all for your replies.

Could I ask: how (if at all) would your comments change if I tell you that I don't have a 17 year old son. But I do have a 16 year old daughter.

Ed

 

My post is the same answer.

Steffydog.

 

My advice, fwiw, would still stand. (Post 4)
Let her know that she can always rely on the fact that you will be there for her, and you will never judge her if things go awry for her & she discovers she wants to rejoin the parental home.
Tell her openly of your misgivings, don't both pretend they don't exist. Ensure that she agrees to maintain some regular channel of communication, for both parties sakes.

 

Mine would be the same - post 3, both my Sisters in law did the rebellion and moving out at 16 thing and both have lives that are a car crash. There was nothing my in laws could do except help and support their daughters - they'd just had enough of their Parents. Ultimately however heart breaking it may be, you have to rely on having instilled some common sense in them, it's the same for girls and boys. Be prepared for the midnight call after a few months though, it's a distinct possibility.