Post 'em up peeps...I'll start with something tame: A ten-year-old boy was walking down the street when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up behind him and asks, "Hey kid, wanna go for a ride?" "No!", said the boy, and he kept on walking. The motorcyclist pulls up to him again and says, "Hey kid, I'll give you £10 if you hop on the back. "NO!" said the boy and proceeded down the street a little quicker. The motorcyclist pulls up to the boy again and says, "OK, I'll give you £20 and a BIG bag of sweets if you hop on the back for a ride." At this point the boy turns around to him and screams angrily, "Look Dad, YOU bought the cruiser, so you ride it!"
A bloke goes into the doctor and says, "I've got a mole on my penis, can you remove it please?" So the chap pulls his trousers and pants down, and the doc says, "Yes sir, I can remove that mole... but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you to the RSPCA." ONE FOR C-J BBC News - "Kandahar offensive in June". Personally, they offend me all fucking year.
Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen, being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!" Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy. About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor. The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?" Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy, let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that yes she did. Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".
This one is rude so we will have to play fill in the gaps: Q. What is the diffrence between marmalade and jam? A. You cant marmalade your ____ up a girls _____ . I think C-J has been bad :twisted:
After years of painstaking research scientists have found out what makes women happy........................F@@k ALL
An old man and a young boy go for a walk into the woods. The young boy turns to the old man and says 'it's dark in here and i'm scared'. The old man turns to the boy and says 'you think your scared, i've gotta walk out of here alone'! A woman is having an afternoon shag with her lover when she hears her husband arrive home early. In a panick she ushers him into the closet and go's downstairs to distract her husband so he can escape. Whilst waiting in the closet the lover is shocked to hear a young boy say 'dark in here isn't it, wanna buy my baseball'? 'No thank you' says the lover. 'I'll tell my dad your here' says the boy. 'Ok how much'? '£50 says the boy. He begrudgingly hands over the cash, to which the boy says 'wanna buy my baseball glove to go with it'? 'No' says the man, to which the boy calls out for his dad. 'Ok ok i'll take it, how much'? '£100 says the boy'. The man hands over the cash, and sensing the coast is clear makes a swift exit out of the closet and through the bedroom window. A couple of days later the boys dad asks him if he wants to go outside and play ball. The boy explains that he would, but he sold his ball and glove for £150. 'That's outrageous!' Says the father and promptly drags him down to church and makes him go to confession. The boy grumpily sits down in the booth and says 'dark in here isn't it', to which the priest replies 'don't start that shit again'!
Maxamillion is having one of his lavish parties, and calls everyone over to a penned of pond in his back yard. It's got the biggest' ugliest, meanest looking crocodile anyone's ever seen staring back at them. 'I'll give a million quid to anyone brave enough to wrestle it' he says. The crowd look around uneasily and no-one steps forward. Giving up he turns to go back to the house when he hears a big splash and see's one of his guest thrashing around, biting' eye gouging and choking the beast. The guest wins the fight and crawls out of the pen exhausted. 'That was incredible! I'll go get your money' says max but the guest isn't interested. 'How about a new house, car, boat or anything you want'? 'I just wanna know what cunt pushed me in' says the guest!
A man standing naked infront of a mirror asks his wife 'why do I get an erection when I looked at myself?' His wife replys 'because even your dick thinks your a c**t'
ok.here goes black guy is walking down the street. rounding a corner he bumps right into an old bloke and knocks him on his arse....full of huge apologies the guy picks him up and dusts him off... " no worries" says the old guy..." im a genie and you can have 3 wishes" black guy ponders for a mo and says "ok, i wanna be white, uptight and outta sight" so the old guy turned him into a tampax
A bloke is the pub chatting to a man at the bar and says ' ive got to stay sober tonight, i've been going home drunk every night lately & the wife has had enough. She says if i go home drunk once more she's leaving me, i don't blame her ' he says. A few hours & several drinks later he staggers into the toilet and pukes everywhere including down the front of his suit, he walks out and says to the man ' that's it im finished once the wife sees this she'll leave me'. 'I have an idea' says the man ' just tell her some drunken idiot puked down the front of your suit and gave you £10 to get it cleaned'. and puts a tenner in his top pocket. 'Good idea' he says and staggers home. As he opens the door the wife is waiting in her dressing gown and curlers ' look at the state of you, thats it i've had enough i'm leaving you'. 'NO NO wait' he says ' i can explain some drunken idiot puked down the front of my suit and gave me £10 to get it cleaned' he says and passes her the money. She looks at it and says ' so why is there £20 then?. 'The other £10 is from the bloke who shat in my pants'
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.' The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.
Jeff the hen: Jeff came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Jeff, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?' The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.' Jeff was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. .. . You've got to send me back straight away.' St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.' Jeff was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground. 'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, 'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?' 'It's not so bad', replies Jeff, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.' 'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.' 'Never', replies Jeff. 'Well just relax and let it happen'. And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting... 'Jeff, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've sh*t the bed !!'
